A gloomy sky and a gloomy day for a gloomy mood...
We are in the middle of a four-day weekend: Today is day two. I should feel happy, I should feel relaxed, but I don't. I would have before.
Before I would have been thinking that I have four days to get things done, four days to just relax. And today is only the second day, which means I still have the rest of the day. (I'm out on a bike ride and so it's still early in the morning) and then two whole days after that. Great times. But right now I'm thinking that although this is nice, too soon it's going to be over and when it's over, I will have to go back there, and I really don't want to go back there.
I have time this morning. My wife and kids are away with family hiking in the mountains. It's a holiday, a day off, I can go for a long ride. I have the time and the fitness and the freedom to go on a long -- long both in terms of distance and time -- ride. I just don't want to: My heart just isn't in it right now.
I still want to get on my bike. When I'm out on the road I feel good. But what I don't feel is totally relaxed and carefree like I did before, like when I fell in love with cycling. Instead what I feel is an intense desire to be at home. To do what, I don't know because when I get there I don't feel like doing anything. I just don't really want to be out there. I do want to be riding my bike and on the road, but I don't really want to be doing anything. I just don't have the heart or desire to do anything anymore.
I should stay out for a long time; I should go somewhere way out there, to one of those places up in the mountains, one of those places I really like to go to. I should take advantage of this opportunity. I know I should. But I just want to go home.
Has anybody else realised I may never see my parents again? They're not that young anymore: If they were to come down with it, it could be serious and possibly fatal. And I won't be able to go back to see them. I wasn't even able to go back to see them a few months ago when I really wanted to and the world was normal. Even if things normalise soon, because of what has already happened my summer vacation is shot and I won't be able to go back then. It's going to be over a year before I can go back again. Before I may not have had the funds to go back often or whenever I wanted, but at least the possibility to go back was there. Now it's not. Can you imagine what that can do to a person's state of mind?
I used to often think that I should plan an epic ride, a ride up to those places in the mountains that people -- or rather cyclists -- infrequently go to. The only things that stopped me doing them before were finding a good time and a possible lack of adequate fitness. I haven't thought about doing or even planning for one of those rides in a long time. I don't have the desire to do them anymore. Not because I am not interested in doing them, it's just that doing them would take almost an entire day and when I get back home, I'll just have to go back to that school. It's not that I won't want to go back to work, it's that I don't want to go back there.