It finally happened. I have been wondering when the Sunday morning would come when I just didn't want to go ride my bike. That morning was today.
For those of you just joining my life's journey, I am not happy right now. I am not happy with my job and that has translated to not being happy with my life. I have a feeling of general apathy right now; I don't take any real pleasure in anything anymore and that translates into not wanting to do anything at all. That includes riding my bicycle, which is the thing I most like to do.
For a couple months I have been able to get up early on Sundays — my only free morning to go cycling — and ride my bike. Only the enjoyment I got from being on the road on my bike got me out of bed. To be honest, though, I did not really want to go.
There is absolutely nothing I want to do anymore, nothing I take or get pleasure from, nothing to smile about.
More information for those who may not know: I don't think this feeling of apathy stems from a form of depression or anything like that. This is because of my job.
So more information: in August (of this year, 2019) I started a new job. This is a full-time job, a job requiring me to work Monday to Friday from eight in the morning to five-thirty in the afternoon, much like a normal person. Prior to taking this job, however, I was basically working part time. Even though for the most part my total working hours gave me a full schedule, I was really only part time. I worked at two, sometimes three, different schools to fill out my work week.
The upshot of that is that the high school I was working at let me choose my own schedule. They told me how many classes I had each week, I told them when I could go in, and they arranged my classes during those times. I was therefore able to arrange things so I was free to pick up my children from school, to give myself a free morning to ride my bike, or to free up an afternoon to do something else (one of my hobbies is trying to teach myself Latin). It meant making myself quite busy at certain times of the week, but it also meant I had time to relax at other times, something to look forward to while I was busy at work.
Now I don't have that time to relax. And it's not just that since I'm now working full time my time at work has greatly increased — and therefore my free time has decreased — it's that I can't relax.
One of the things I haven't been able to figure out yet is why this is happening., but I find with this job I can't stop thinking about it. Before when I finished class or was not working, I was able to put it out of my mind and think about — and focus on — other things, things like family and enjoying my life. Now, however, work is on my mind all the time, even when I'm doing something I enjoy, like playing with my children or even riding my bike.
Before when I finished work for the day there would be a feeling of relief. I felt happy, I felt ready to do something else, something I wanted to do. Now, when I finish for the day, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. No relief, no happiness, no emotion at all. Before, while I didn't really want to be at work — who does, really? — and would be counting off the hours until I could be free, I was just counting off the hours until the end of the day. Now I am counting off the time until the end of the week because only with the the weekend do I get any kind of break.
And even then it's not really a break because, as I said, I can't stop thinking about work. So even though I may not be working tonight or the next day, work is still on my mind and I can't relax. Sundays, my only totally free day because I still have class on Saturdays, is especially bad because I’m thinking all day about having to into work the next day and about how much I really don't want to go in there.
Because of that feeling there is now nothing I want to do, nowhere I want to go. My son wants me to go out and play soccer with him but I really, really don't want to. We used to go out as a family and go places or just go grocery shopping or run errands but I don't want to do that anymore either. I just want to do nothing; I have no ambition to do anything.
That feeling culminated this morning with me not wanting to go ride my bike. Last night before I went to bed I got my cycling kit ready and told my kids I was going out, but when I woke up this morning at five o'clock — as per usual when I’m going for a ride — I had no ambition to go and so I stayed in bed. I still wanted to be on the road and on my bike — and now when I look at pictures from my ride last Sunday and at pictures from the group ride this morning — I feel guilty about not going — bu I just didn't want to go.
I didn't get out of bed until almost eight o'clock this morning. Every morning I'm up between five or six because even if I'm not riding my bike, I'll get up to either exercise at home or just go out for a walk. I don't like getting up and stting around; I want to get the body moving.
And this morning I didn't even want to get my body moving. No bike ride, no nothing. Just a feeling of apathy and unhappiness with my life and wondering when this is going to end.