If I slice into this website, will it just be cake? That's the most important first question here.

If you slice into cake and no one is there to see it, did you make a slice? Welcome to Cake! 🍰

And what kind of cake would it be?

i.kym-cdn.com

Bonus points to anybody who knows the reference.

What ARE you promising exactly??

You are likely to never succeed in your quest. 🙀

The Cake Is a LieThe Cake is a Lie is a catchphrase popularized by the game Portal, and is often used to convey the message that a promised gift is being used to motivate without any intent of delivering.knowyourmeme.com