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    • Monogamy is a social/emotional exoskeleton. When someone grows out of a relationship, it has to be painfully sloughed off to make room for a new one, leaving the body raw and delicate. It can provide protection, strength, and support, but at the cost of brittleness and restriction.

      Polyamory is an endoskeleton. It leaves us raw and exposed and open to being cut and bruised by the world. But, it also provides internal support that can change as needed, without limiting growth.

      Armor can make us safer. But it's heavy.

    • Although I like the concept of polyamory, I often feel like I can barley handle the intimacy of my relationship with my one significant other, thus cannot imagine actually having multiple partners. I tried "casual" relationships in my twenties, but pretty much failed at that by "falling i love" with each partner I coupled with (even when that was not reciprocated). I know a few people who were in polyamorous relationships that ended with people getting hurt and splitting into diads (of course monogamy is no guarantee that no one will get hurt). I'm interested in hearing how people who have successful polyamourous relationships have made them work.

    • I came to polyam by realizing that explicit monogamy ruins everything, but "casual" relationships leave me wanting. "But obviously, that is impossible, so I guess I'll be celibate until I figure out what is wrong with me." Then along came someone who was everything I would want in a partner, including dead-set against a forced monogamous relationship.

      The last thing I'd want is to try to recruit :) We've all done it, and it doesn't go well. If you yank a crab out of its exoskeleton, no one's having a good time. If it doesn't feel like a burden to you, if it's a comfortable arrangement for you and your partner, I mean, great! It's working, you're happy, and that's the point, right?

      It is very rare that any relationships end without someone getting hurt. That's just how it goes. One downside of polyamory is that you get to keep experiencing heartbreak, even after you're settled into long-term stability.

      My primary partner and I have been polyamorous for almost a decade now. Even when we were effectively monogamous, we were "officially" poly. We each have a few other relationships now, which are also getting pretty serious. We've made this work by maintaining an extremely high level of communication, reassuring one another and making our needs known, making time for one another, and being respectful of our metamours and their needs. That is, all the same things you would do to make monogamy work, but a lot more scheduling and processing, and an unshakable mutual commitment to individual emotional sovereignty.